A rant about citrus. And recipes!

I am driven by productivity. I can't call it a day unless I can say I was productive. I think it's all that Jewish guilt I didn't get as a child finally catching up with me.

I will moan to my husband, who is covered in grease and G-d-knows-what-else, "I am so upset! I did nothing today. Like, I did 2 loads of laundry, baked three cakes, reorganized the pantry and paid all the bills but that was LIKE IT. Other than that, I sat on my ass." And he's not really sure what to say. I'm sure he wants to yell at me and say, "You moron! I am covered in diesel fuel because I worked all day on my feet and didn't even get a lunch and you complain because you DID NOTHING?! I want to smack you!" Instead he says, "Aww, it's okay honey. You always do a lot. You can do more tomorrow." Which is just weird. But exactly what I need. Which is why we're married, probably.

So today I find myself with just an ever-so-slight surplus of citrus.

I have no concept of restraint.

Do you know what you can do with citrus? Well. NOT FUCKING MUCH. There, I fricken said it. Why are there not more posts on "TEH INTARNET" about this? I see, over and over again, some poor sad soul bemoaning their lemon, lime and/or orange tree asking for recommendations of what to do with their glut and the replies they get are from people who clearly have no idea what a 'glut' is or just how many G-DDAMN FRUIT a tree produces. Let me put it in perspective. Each tree will produce about a thousand fruit in one season. People tend to have about THREE OR FOUR trees if they have one. This box of fruit? This PILE of fruit? Is not even 1/10th of what was currently ripe on one tree.

So when people ask for recipes and someone replies with, "Why don't you put one in a chicken!?" You just kinda wanna smack them. One, you probably already thought of that and two, what the ever loving crap do you do with the other 4000 fricken lemons you have? Make 4000 roast chickens?

Marmalade, you say? Marmalade? Okay... about 5 lemons produce a jar of marmalade. How much marmalade do you eat? Suckiest thing for me is I dislike marmalade. I don't like that I dislike marmalade because citrus season is just so. damned. productive. I wish I loved marmalade. I wish I could eat it out of the jar with a spoon. But the truth is - I just end up with 40 jars of marmalade leftover every year I sell in the markets or to greedy friends. And I feel weird (very weird) selling something I don't even like. Everyone seems to love it, at least. But it's a dirty secret of mine, "Here, buy this jar of stuff I don't eat! People say it's delicious!"

This is why I love Indian people. Hello there, random logic jump. Come with me. There are these amazing things like this amazing lemon pickle from Indian Food Rocks (and they have lime too!). I found an enlarged version of the recipe that asks for forty lemons. Forty! Now that's what I'm talking about, people. Plus - it's a fun rare treat that can be spicy, sour, salty and just plain amazing. And I love me some spicy food. And Indian people. You see where I went with that?

This recipe only asks for 4 oranges but it also only makes 6 cups of orange (which includes the liquid which you probably aren't skulling like an alcoholic). Bloody delicious, if you ask me. Like winter in a jar. But you can eat it in summer! I would make a quadruple batch of this if I were you so you can tuck it away until summer when you really want an orange and, like me, don't buy out of season from the markets.

See, the main problem I have with citrus-y recommendations is they are so boring. Orange cake. Done it. Marmalade. We discussed this. Eat one whole. Not even remotely helpful, people. The other problem is the rest of the recipes, like candied peels, are a fricken nightmare when you're doing it to 400 fruit. 5-10 is easy enough. Peel. Peel. Peel. But after about 7 or 8, your hands start to wrinkle and then, after about 15, you're pretty sure you've managed to pickle your fingerprints. Wear gloves, you say? Well, you wear gloves while peeling oranges with a tiny filet knife. See how exact you are. Yeah, I thought so. But hey, at least I can commit crimes and not get caught now, which'll totally help my business.

Then, there is this holy grail of "I can't believe how delicious this is and yet, how random it is we don't make it in the Western World because we're too afraid to try new things." Fifty lemons, people. FIFTY. Now that's a recipe. Oh yeah, and this shiz is fricken delicious.

And there's the classic preserved lemons. Anybody with a lemon tree should know about this, as it's simple, delicious and uses a good amount of lemons (and limes, and oranges, to different effect).

And of course, just to be a dick about the whole thing, some recipes I want to try I can't even read.

So when my husband asks if I did anything, I will say no. Because I "Only made 200 lemons into 5 different varieties of spicy Indian pickles and preserved them for future use for the next millenia." and he will feel sorry for me.

My name is Liz and I have a problem...

My husband has caught me red-handed with a very secret addiction. I've had to sneak away for short periods to get my fix without him noticing. My friends have started to realize I have a problem. You see, my problem is dust. Not angel dust (no, no, too many angels have to die for that) but real dust. I'm obsessed with cleaning.

I have never watched a TV show in it's entirety in almost eleventy years because I have been too busy cleaning. How am I supposed to be anti-social and be driven by the media if I keep reorganizing my pantry? Now I don't know what Fox wants me to buy! What's in; designer handbags or designer dogs?! I don't know. This is sad.

Inspection is coming up and that means I get an excuse to be obsessive for about a week. Glynn will come home absolutely covered in grease but I will ban him from my newly cleaned shower, "You can't go in there! I just got rid of the water spots. You can't make more water." And then he asks me what he's supposed to do. Use the hose. Duh. But hurry, because I'm about to clean the dust off the yard.

So the other day my husband and I get this amazing deal - $60 for EIGHT copper pots. I'm telling you. Gold. No. Copper. Anyway, they were MINE. Of course, they were also tarnished - damn used copper selling infidels!

As it turns out, copper is not only not the easiest thing in the world to polish (Copper Polish creams LIE. THEY LIE.) but as it turns out, heat effects the lovely copper sheen (and copper polish + heat MAKES BLUE!). So a normal human says... "Okay I will now have to decide between using these copper pots for cooking and using these copper pots for show." Not me. No, of course not me. My first exclamation to my husband was, "Holy crap! I have to polish them every time I cook with them. It's like two gifts in one!"

This is why all our stainless steel has a fingerprint free finish - because let's face it, I can't be trusted with fingerprints. I'd be all like, "Yo, who left a fingerprint on my fridge!" and I'd dust it and keep a copy of it in a little booklet titled, "People who aren't allowed to touch my shiny shit!" but then I'd realize half the fingerprints were mine and I'd cry.

And this is why I understand that woman on those Stainless Steel Wipe commercials. Teenagers! Always fingerprinting your shit! You want to put your fingerprints somewhere? Commit a crime like the rest of us, asshole! Don't get it on my Kitchen Aid. Jerk.

This is also why we don't have children. Because I don't want to get done for forcible fingerprint removal even if that means my child would be an excellent spy. They would thank me for it later, damnit.

PS: Wait, can I remove my OWN fingerprints? Then I'd never have to clean the laptop ever again!! And I could be a spy. But dude, clean laptop! Woooorrrth it.

Basic (but perfect) Cucumber Dill Pickles

When I was a little girl, I thought pickles were special. If I was a really really good girl, I got them added to my tuna and white bread sandwiches. I was never allowed to eat all the pickles (though I tried) so I always considered pickles a real treat. These pickles almost cost me nothing and they taste way better than any commercial pickles I've ever stolen in the dark.

This recipe is for the amount shown, just two jars. I find making them often as opposed to big batches (unless doing proper canning, this is the refrigerator method) makes for tastier pickles. Great to do with leftover garden cukes on a casual Saturday afternoon; ready just in time for a Sunday roast and even better the next week.

1 cup 5% acidic vinegar
2 cups water
3 1/2 tablespoons salt
2 cucumbers, room temperature.
2 dill fronds
4 garlic cloves
4 dried chillis

Sterilize jars by placing them in cold water and bringing to boil for five minutes. Place in low-heat oven to keep hot while preparing pickles.

Boil vinegar, water and salt on stovetop. Meanwhile, crush garlic and place with dill and chillis into bottom of sterilized jars. Chop cucumber into 1/2 widthwise then 8ths lengthwise, scraping out seeds as you go. It's okay to leave some in, as I really like the texture of them, but I find cucumbers a bit too seedy for pickles. There's specific pickling cucumbers, but I like this recipe because it's perfect for regular ones. I think pickling cucumbers taste best as both sweet pickles and bread and butter pickles to go with something like silverside and homemade mayonnaise. Something like this is best eaten straight or with incredibly unhealthy things.

Shove cucumbers into jars. Really stuff them in. Stuff them so hard it becomes an internet meme. Yeah, I said it. They will shrink when pickled. Don't worry, the jar can take it. I've seen it take bigger things. Badum.

When sugar has completely dissolved, pour into hot filled jars slowly, leaving 1/4 inch headspace at the top. Wipe the jar and lid down and close. Leave on counter to cool and the refrigerate. Will be ready in a day! Voila! Pickles! Just like the ones you ate as a kid, but with less funny crap in it.

Liz's Never Fail Super Fluffy Whole Wheat Loaf

This bread requires three rises, which I have tried to bypass without success - it needs the three rises to become super fluffy, so don't skip this bit. The bread is rather easy to make just time consuming on this part, however it is MORE than worth it, as it will be the fluffiest homemade loaf of wheat bread you can make. If you've ever tried to make wheat bread at home you will realize it's quite challenging to rise nice and fluffy since it is a thicker flour. This solves that problem.

• 2 cups warm water
• 2 1/2 teaspoons/14g active dry yeast or 28g fresh yeast mushed with a fork
• 1/4 cup golden syrup or honey (spray oil into measuring cup before filling so it slips out easily)
• 5-6 cups whole-wheat flour
• 2 tbs sugar
• 2 tsp salt
• 1/2 cup canola oil (I've used olive with success)
• 1 egg

Combine yeast and water and golden syrup into bowl. Allow to rest 10 minutes until foamy. If no foam appears, your yeast is dead and you need more. This is where I use my KitchenAid but combine the rest of the ingredients (minus the egg) into the water/yeast mixture. Knead until the dough springs back when touched - about 10 minutes by rough hand, 15 by gentle and 6 by Kitchen Aid.

Transfer dough to oiled and preferably warm bowl (I put my oven on at 60c and put the bowl in there as I mix everything, which helps the rise... or wash the bowl with super hot water just before using to keep warm). Cover with tea towel.

Rise 1 hour.

Punch dough and knead for 1 minute then put back into bowl for 45 minutes, covered with a tea towel.

Preheat oven to 180c fan forced, 200c regular, 400F regular, 440F fan forced. Fan forced preferable for nice crust. Grease two loaf pans, or two baking sheets and mould two loaves of bread. Cover with tea towels and let rise 45 further minutes.

Combine in small bowl egg with tablespoon water (milk if you prefer a harder crust) and slash top of bread with *very* sharp knife. Drag creates a more deflated loaf, so use your sharpest. Brush with egg mixture and sprinkle with your choice to topping - we prefer barley flakes, but some prefer oats, cornmeal (polenta in Australia), or anything you deem fit.

Bake 10 minutes.

Lower oven to 150c fan forced, 170c regular, 310F fan forced, 350F regular and bake 20-25 minutes more, or until desired colour is reached. Should be roughly as golden as a Brazilian woman's arse. Allow to cool, if you can.

Chicken Liver Pâté

Much like Kimberly's schmaltz, Chicken Liver Pâté is an excellent classic Jewish dish. Even more so, you'll need the schmaltz for this recipe so it's a good thing we have it prepared! I have used, for a more personal touch, duck instead of chicken in this recipe.

250g chicken livers
1-2c chicken stock, preferably homemade
3 hardboiled eggs
1 red onion, chopped
3 tablespoons duck fat or schmaltz
Fresh flaked sea salt and fresh ground pepper

1. Slowly simmer the livers in enough chicken stock to just barely cover them - about 10 minutes. Drain. Reserve 2 tablespoons stock.
2. Using food processor, puree eggs and livers with stock as needed until smooth
3. Heat fat in pan until melted completely.
4. Gently caramelize onions over low heat for about 15 minutes or until just barely dark around the edges and golden in the middle.
5. Pour onions, fat and all into the livers and blend once more until a nice deep delicious paste.
6. Season to taste. I found it's best with a bit of salt and just a touch of pepper.

Eat like there's no tomorrow. Fantastic source of Vitamin A and protein!

What do I want to do today?

As women, we place ourselves in a position of responsibility over others and those we love with compassion and love. Sometimes, we forget who we are, what we love and where our hobbies went. In a fluff of children, school, planning events, going to work... our responsibilities pile onto our hard-working backs and we find ourselves losing our fucking minds. Yeah I said fuck, I wanted to.

Every time we start to run down, our nails ragged and our hair limp with stress (if there at all), our loved ones look at us and say "Why don't you do something for yourself?" Yeah, if only we could figure out what that was! Or when we'd find the time!

That's when I realized all I had to do was...ask myself. What do I want to do today? It's a simple question which can have a myriad of answers. It can range from complicated ("I want to go to Spain today") to easy ("I want to read a chapter of my book today") to downright impossible ("I want to read a chapter of my book today while the kids are asleep").

The point is not whether or not you can do the things you want to do - but the point is you can KNOW the things you want to do. If you don't know, you can never do them. Instead your life will be a cycle of doing what other people want you to do for them. Stop. Breathe. Ask yourself what you want to do today. Listen. Listen closely. Ask yourself more than once a day. Ask yourself four or five times a day. Your answer will change. Some of it you'll be able to do! Right then! Then after awhile you'll realize slowly but surely you're doing more and more things for you. In return, everyone is happier.

Sometimes it's hard to stop and be self-centered for a little while, but we all know it's important. Without a few personal acheivements daily, how can we expect to have the self-esteem to continue the rest of our lives in happiness?

What does Liz want to do today? Well, Liz wants to ride her pushbike to the park. So Liz is going to.

Twitter!

In an attempt to be edgy and cool and follow the sheeple (my friend hates this word so I purposefully used it, this'll test if he reads this or not) I have decided to get Nothing But An Apron a Twitter account!

Why Twitter?

Well, with today's modern woman needing to stay connected, it's important we realize that there are those who wish to do so via easy and simple means. Twitter will allow Nothing But An Apron to update you on upcoming projects, competitions, quick and easy tips you may not find here (as I remember them) and photos of different projects we're working on.

What can you expect from Nothing But An Apron in the coming months?

With the addition of Twitter, we will be including more posts on home repair and building as well as projects for the modern woman to use to make her house a home, a fortress or a castle. Or a piggery if you really want. There will be more focus on projects, products, health and fitness.

As a modern woman who is absolutely in love with vintage lifestyles as I know MANY other women are - it's hard to find that middle ground between wanting to wear pearls, petticoats and heels and being a powerful strong woman capable of maintaing a job, children, personal friendships, love, life and even, yes, her poor husband.

Nothing But An Apron is just what is sounds - a place for women (and men!) to take it all off, be stripped, be beautiful, be human - and still be a domestic god/dess.

We have plans for posts like: How to build your own chicken plucker, how to make a castile soap, how to dress appropriately for your figure (AND still get those awesome vintage finds to look fabuuuulous on you without feeling like you're in a costume in public!) and how to have basic modern principles combined with the desire to also have basic vintage principles.

Wear your pearls! Wear your petticoats! Build things with your bare hands! Dress sexy and feel great naked for the person you love! Fix computers! Get tattoos! Wire your OWN house! And most of all; follow us on twitter!

www.twitter.com/notbutanapron or just check out our new sidebar!!