Saturday, June 25, 2011

My name is Liz and I have a problem...

My husband has caught me red-handed with a very secret addiction. I've had to sneak away for short periods to get my fix without him noticing. My friends have started to realize I have a problem. You see, my problem is dust. Not angel dust (no, no, too many angels have to die for that) but real dust. I'm obsessed with cleaning.

I have never watched a TV show in it's entirety in almost eleventy years because I have been too busy cleaning. How am I supposed to be anti-social and be driven by the media if I keep reorganizing my pantry? Now I don't know what Fox wants me to buy! What's in; designer handbags or designer dogs?! I don't know. This is sad.

Inspection is coming up and that means I get an excuse to be obsessive for about a week. Glynn will come home absolutely covered in grease but I will ban him from my newly cleaned shower, "You can't go in there! I just got rid of the water spots. You can't make more water." And then he asks me what he's supposed to do. Use the hose. Duh. But hurry, because I'm about to clean the dust off the yard.

So the other day my husband and I get this amazing deal - $60 for EIGHT copper pots. I'm telling you. Gold. No. Copper. Anyway, they were MINE. Of course, they were also tarnished - damn used copper selling infidels!

As it turns out, copper is not only not the easiest thing in the world to polish (Copper Polish creams LIE. THEY LIE.) but as it turns out, heat effects the lovely copper sheen (and copper polish + heat MAKES BLUE!). So a normal human says... "Okay I will now have to decide between using these copper pots for cooking and using these copper pots for show." Not me. No, of course not me. My first exclamation to my husband was, "Holy crap! I have to polish them every time I cook with them. It's like two gifts in one!"

This is why all our stainless steel has a fingerprint free finish - because let's face it, I can't be trusted with fingerprints. I'd be all like, "Yo, who left a fingerprint on my fridge!" and I'd dust it and keep a copy of it in a little booklet titled, "People who aren't allowed to touch my shiny shit!" but then I'd realize half the fingerprints were mine and I'd cry.

And this is why I understand that woman on those Stainless Steel Wipe commercials. Teenagers! Always fingerprinting your shit! You want to put your fingerprints somewhere? Commit a crime like the rest of us, asshole! Don't get it on my Kitchen Aid. Jerk.

This is also why we don't have children. Because I don't want to get done for forcible fingerprint removal even if that means my child would be an excellent spy. They would thank me for it later, damnit.

PS: Wait, can I remove my OWN fingerprints? Then I'd never have to clean the laptop ever again!! And I could be a spy. But dude, clean laptop! Woooorrrth it.