Health Regulations AKA Why I Don't DO Supermarkets

When I found out the FDA, an American company, considered Vagina Dye a healthy consumerable product, which, by the way, doesn't seem to include their ingredients list on their website, I had to start a bit of a my usual ranting.

These are the people Americans trust with their food. They think dyeing your labia colours to please men is a good idea. And hey, while I'm all up for women actually paying attention to their own vaginas, I'm not only miffed that it seems to be a good idea to change the colour of my vagina for a man, but that the FDA seems to think this is a perfectly safe and healthy practice. If dying my vagina the shade of Audrey Hepburn is healthy, what the fuck are your people passing as decent food?

I live in Australia, where the standards of foods are stricter but still nowhere near perfect. I am all for people eating whatever they want, it's when they lie about it that I feel I need to say something about it. It's not even lies anymore, really, they've caught onto that. It's lying by omission.

99% fat free! your yogurt will claim. What they DON'T tell you is that 1, fat doesn't make you fat. In fact, fat is good for you. It gives you great nails and skin. You know how you have fat free food and then decide Tonalin CLA is a good supplement? CLA is FAT. Congratulations, you've taken it out and then put it the fuck back in. Obviously, too much fat is a problem, but we're not talking about that. We're talking about the stuff that replaces fat. Sugars, chemicals, poisons - things that break down your body and make it so your body has a HARDER time ingesting nutrients. All this so you don't eat something that makes your hair glow? What on Earth? Here, take this magic pill and you'll have glowing hair. That, or just have some fucking fat in your food!

Unless you get liposuction or are involved in some horrific accident, you will ALWAYS have the same amount of fat cells. Fat cells do not duplicate, they expand. Fat cells store glucose, which is what happens when your food breaks down into it's most basic form, and expand depending on how much glucose they're holding vs. how much glucose you're using. Sugar is pretty much straight glucose, depending on where it's from. Congratulations, that (considering you're expelling as many calories as you're taking in) is what's making you fat. Not fat. So all those things replacing your fat? Are making you fat. Does the FDA tell you this? No, it writes in big black bold letters how fat is bad (and yes, some of it is, but I'll elaborate on that another time) and then offers you a 'magic pill' to fix all the stuff it took out to begin with.

So not only are you taking fat out just to replace it, you're also adding unnecessary chemicals from the fat replacements you're just going to put back anyway! Let's not even get started on chemicals covering your foods, the fact that pesticides used to kill swarms of bugs is simply lying on your salad like a zingy dressing and that's FDA approved or the fact the FDA has passed some pretty poor examples of food off as being healthy. Case in point: cereal.

So let's get to the part of this rant that helps. Shall we? Did you know you can grow your own herbs and salads and vegetables and fruit? That it doesn't take up NEARLY as much space as you think it does? Of course you believe it takes acres upon acres to grow your own food. It doesn't.

Blueberries, pomegranates, blackberries, hell - even lemon trees, can all grow in pots. Also, they can grow in pots indoors. I know, right? Nobody told you this! Did you know pomegranates have the prettiest little pink flowers all over a bush? Most of the year they don't even look like food! They look like pretty flowery bushes. How on earth can that look bad in a tiny flat?

At my old place, which was a small no-garden flat, I managed to have herbs growing on my entry-way. Spinach is a must-have for me as it beats out strawberries as the most pesticide ridden food on the market. Strawberries, of course, being second, which also can grow in a tiny pot. Chives, basil, habeneros, dill and thyme all possess the little planter I took with me to my new house when I got engaged. The pot is a food wide, two and a half feet long and about two feet deep - it can fit anywhere, really. And there we go, organic nutritious foods that I know exactly what's in it and what's gone in it since birth.

So here's what I have to say to the FDA. Go ahead and hand out packaged overpriced cardboard as food, I don't care. But, for the love of G-d, label it 'cardboard' and not 'now with more fibre!'. I'd rather eat the damn box.

Yeah, every night it takes me about 10 more minutes to make a meal than those instant-lovers. But you know what I have? Supreme happiness, fitness, health, great hair, great shiny eyes, great polished nails, a rapid healing time, energy and the need for only 6 hours sleep a night (where when I was eating like that, I needed 10!).

So fuck the FDA and it's overpriced fibre filled cardboard. I'm going to have me a zinc and potassium loaded salad with all the trimmings for FREE.